Misunderstood and Misconstrued; That is the Real Crime

Woman Upset on Phone

Aspergers and other forms of Autism were once thought to disappear once a child reached adulthood, but now experts are discovering that’s not so. Many people reaching the age of majority who were diagnosed as children who may have had services while growing up and an increasing number of undiagnosed Autistics have now “aged out” of the social service system and find themselves at a loss as to how to fully function in society.

Quiet shy woman

While Autism exists on a spectrum with each individual presenting differently in both strengths and defecits, there are certain traits that people with this condition generally have in common;

* Difficulty in reading social cues from others in their environment.

* Difficulty in communicating their thoughts, feelings, and intentions to others in a form others can understand.

* Trouble in processing and making sense of the world around them.

Doing the math

* To some degree feeling uncomfortable making eye contact.

Woman Not Wanting Eye Contact

* May have sensory issues, and some don’t like being touched, certain tastes, textures, sounds, and/or smells.

Girl Putting The Puzzle Together

* Literal thinking and impairment in one’s ability to decipher sarcasm, lying, disingenuousness, deception, trickery, two-faced behavior, and in some instances out-and-out meanness.

Pensive girl

* Tend to take people at face value.

Hopes and Dreams

* A strong moral sense of honesty, right and wrong, and justice.

Anger

* May come across as odd or accentric.

Accentric Older Woman Cooking

* May have trouble regulating emotions (either appears emotionless as in showing lack of affect in voice or facial expression, and/or the opposite may present itself in that the person may get very upset at times).

Emotional pain

* May have inflexibility in changing one’s routine.

*May have very specific and sometimes narrow interests that are focused on very intently, and difficulty “switching gears” to transition from doing those activities to doing other activities.

Woman Photographer

* May speak long-windedly and circuitously especially about those topics that interest him/her, often unaware of when others lose interest.

* Difficulty conceptualizing opinions widely divergent from their own (once believed to be a lack of empathy, but now recognized as difficulty with a particular type of abstract thinking).

*Repetitive behaviors; known as “stimming”(some of which have the function of self-soothing).

*Co-morbid conditions can include ADD/ADHD, Anxiety and/or Depression (usually situational), sometimes Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and more recently a variety of medical conditions are recognized as being associated with Autism such as GI conditions, Dysautonomia, allergies, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, Mast Cell Activation Disorder, Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, and other Autoimmune Diseases.

*Often these individuals are vulnerable to bullying by not-so-nice people who pick up on the fact that something is different about them and take advantage of their “blind spots.” This does not only happen to children in school settings, but can happen to adults also in the workplace, the community at large, and even in healthcare settings.

Devastation

There are a growing number of cases documented of abuse and/or neglect in ERs and in other hospital settings. Staff often lack the training and patience necessary to accommodate such populations and therefore handle the situation very badly.

Treatment or Healing

(Note that these symptoms in people with Autism often become worse when they are hungry, thirsty, or have medical issues that are not addressed in a timely manner. This is why it is especially important to pay attention to these clues and take them seriously. They are not a sign of mental illness nor of the individulal just being “difficult” nor are they a defect of character, but indicate that something is legitimately wrong that needs addressed ASAP).

Medical doctor in white coat

It was once believed by experts that boys were affected at a 4:1 ratio to girls, though some believe the ratio is actually 16:1, more recent data suggests that the accurate statistic is likely 2:1 (male to female) or may be even more evenly matched between the genders.

Dr. Judith Gould of the Lorna Wing Center and Center for Social and Communication Disorders believes that current statistics about the prevalence of girls with Aspergers are under-representative citing a 2.5:1 ratio.

Tania Marshall did her docturate in Asperger’s in females, has published a number of books on the subject, and is currently practicing in this sub-specialty. She has found that it’s quite common for girls to fly under the radar until at least secondary school when communication and interaction among girls becomes more emotionally-based and a social hierarchy begins to develop. Females are better at concealing it and emulating those behaviors that are socially acceptable (referred to as masking).

Masks

For those adult women on the spectrum who are now in their 40s and 50s virtually no diagnosis of girls existed in the 1960s and 1970s when females of this age were children, so many women are just now obtaining official diagnosis and having to make up for a lifetime of struggle, misunderstanding, and riducule from those who mistake their condition for something else.

Back in those days nobody believed that girls could have Autism, so other euphemisms were used in lieu of official diagnosis when they were taken to neurologists and/or neuropsych tested. (I have miraculously managed to keep a report I had when I was tested at age 5). 

This is in effect what happened to me. Neurologists have been telling me for years between the lines with statements such as “Your brain is wired differently” and “Your brain’s not hooked up quite right” and when I asked what I could do about it they were at a complete loss as to what to tell me.

In those days there really were no effective interventions or coping mechanisms. With all the stigma attatched and ignorant people out there confusing Autism with mental retardation, I really didn’t want to “go there” having been given the message that this was a family secret that shouldn’t be explored any further and was better left alone. I pushed it to the back of my mind telling myself it must not be true because all the media images of Autistic people were of children wildly out of control and non-verbal 24/7, 365 days of the year. That was not what I was like, but I had some of those problems at one time or another under certain circumstances and alot of the other quirks I had and still have I didn’t know were actually indicative of it.

When things went South at school due to my inability to focus my parents just switched me to a different school to avoid the inevitable questions that would ensue.

Throughout my educational years I was luckier than most in that I didn’t run into much bullying except for at a new private school in 5th and 6th grade in which the girls were especially snooty.

Trapped

Then in high school I just tried to remain as invisible as I could and other than appearing a bit shy, nerdy, and separate, nobody really suspected nor bothered me.

Sporty Academic Woman

I really thought this was something I would take to my grave as I figured things couldn’t get any worse with my just going on with my life and I was used to coping the best I could. It worked fairly well for awhile and I managed to “pass” except for a period mostly in my late teens and 20s when it was mistaken for other problems for which neither therapy nor medication did much good.

Been there, done that, so thanks but no thanks in case anybody’s thinking of suggesting that, LOL. Good old Dr. H. was and he couldn’t have been more off-target. I received some highly disorganized medical records in the mail at the end of last week which included doctor’s notes.

He and Dr. V’s Nurse Practitioner both floored me with their outlandish interpretation of what was going on with me medically; cynical verbiage that I won’t even dignify here because it is so judgmental and unkind that it’s unbefitting anyone who calls themselves a”medical professional.”

Crucified

Dr. V’s first entry was pretty bad too, but she seemed as best as I can tell to reverse her opinion once more data became available about my Dysautonomia and I had a chance to disclose to her about the AS. (She did officially diagnose my Dysautonomia after our last visit on June 3rd, by the way, so that’s progress).

I’m pretty sure she’d just automatically gone into the first visit with a bias from what The Dark Man had charted. Even though she’d changed her mind later, it really scares me how easily influenced these doctors are to think the worst of a patient.

It appears that Dr. T steered clear of the pile-on and kept her notes constructive; good woman! ♥

Thumbs Up

These other people were in actuality seeing symptoms of my Aspergers and charting tidbits about my little quirks here and there and interpreting and/or knowingly misconstruing those traits as something almost willful on my part, poking and prodding at it as one would bat at a pinata!

Jester

Now I know why they were treating me like some sort of criminal or dangerous individual to be feared and loathed.

Misconstrued as not human

Such is prejudice in its ugliest of forms. And now it all makes sense why the spin they put on it is so ego-dystonic to me, because not only were they proposing something I don’t have in me, but it’s the very antithesis of who I am.

Dirty Rat Creeping In The Dark

It is they who are dishonest and have duped me into believing they were actually trying to help me, smiling and pretending to like me and creating this ruse of positive relationship that I was unable to see through because of my Aspergers!

Corporate hiding behind

I find myself now unable to trust another doctor and I don’t know if I will ever be able to, at least not for a long time, because how can I trust when people are being genuine when they can so easily lie to me with a straight face? How can I know that they won’t write these terrible things again that are so untrue and unfair about me?

Girl Covering Face

When I became really ill with the most recent illnesses, the protracted suffering and stress due to the institutional bullying, slow-down, and stoppage of care that I was subjected to over the past year (especially the past 7 months) caused my AS to become much more obvious.

Crying - close up

I am now at a stage in which I don’t think I can put the Genie back in the bottle. Now there is one more problem that I need to do something about and find services for soon. Try finding services for a 55 year old adult woman in Georgia on Medicare. It’s not easy, and in fact nearly impossible.

Elder Woman Holding Face in Hand

Because of what’s happened at Emory it is no longer stable and manageable and I’m pretty sure this destabilization is permanent. People have no idea what I’m dealing with at home.

You Don't Know

Now that I’ve decided to come out publicly I am trying to embrace it as best I can and use the positive aspects of it with which to cope. Although I didn’t want to open up this can of worms initially I am trying now to make lemonade from these lemons and educate the public so that this won’t happen to others who have to go to the doctor for some medical problem and risk falling victim to such atrocity. Maybe others can learn from my process and together we can make the world a safer place.

In 2013 A UK study published in the medical journal “Brain” began uncovering the differences between males and females who have Autism, not only in how they present symptom-wise, but in terms of brain structure.

The Cambridge research published in this esteemed neurological journal used MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) to compare males with and without Autism, and females with and without Autism.

Light-bulb Moment

What they discovered is that overall, males had greater tissue volume, but that females’ brains with Autism more closely approximated the male brain than did Neurotypical females (those without Autism).

However, males with and without Autism did not show structural differences from one another.

Sadness and Shyness

A growing number of experts feel that testing remains behind the times, having been devised to detect Autism in males and that this may account for the under-diagnosis of females on the spectrum.

Many females present with symptoms often mistaken for mental health conditions such as eating disorders, drug abuse, etc…

Women with this brain orientation come from all walks of life. Some are unemployed,

Woman Looking Away

some are professionals,

Health Professional Woman

some are single,

Stay Weird T-shirt

and others are married and/or with children.

Mother with child

They come with all different combinations of skills and challenges. Some look obvious and others, you’d never know unless they told you.

Despite the fact that adult services remain hard to access, there is hope in that more research is being done with adults, and more is being learned about how to cope with it in addition to a growing advocacy movement by and for people with Autism. I will leave you with this beautiful music video by a fellow Aspie woman. Her voice is absolutely lovely. Please share and raise her up.

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Emory; Slow As Molasses; Treatment Still Stalled

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I sit here trying my best to brush out the mats from my hair that have been developing because I have to sleep more than I used to and the fatigue and muscle pain some days are just too much to brush it. Such is life for those with chronic disease and no caregiver at home to help with these types of things.

I get through each day on a wing and a prayer, hoping every day that something positive I’m working towards will come to fruition. If I could write all my own orders and prescriptions I would, as it seems now that getting everything I need depends on some MD’s name on some form or another and my doctor has decided somewhere along the way to become one more obstruction along this already bumpy road I’m traveling on. He finally wrote me back on the patient portal today to say that he couldn’t go along with the continuous saline infusion, and that he’d done all he could with home healthcare.

I can barely bathe myself although the shower bench helps somewhat. I still can’t reach everything on my body, and that’s not me, and its not laziness either. I’m very meticulous about getting clean and I don’t like it being half-assed and I like to shower everyday, but without help I simply don’t have the stamina, and because of my stiffness I find it hard (and on some days impossible) to reach my toes to wash them. I can’t reach my back even with the long handled sponge thing I got through a local non-profit organization because my arms just won’t bend in the right ways to reach where I need to reach.

Daria, the Care Coordinator told me last week on the phone that they would be glad to pick up my case again and are just waiting for my doctor to write the order and submit a plan, so the obstruction isn’t coming from them, nor from my insurance. It’s coming from my GP. Why does it not bother him that I am home alone without proper help so that I can do the activities of daily living? After 12 years you’d think he’d care that I’m here struggling and using up precious energy reserves I don’t have just to do the simplest things.

Nothing has really improved in my functionality, so why is that call to discontinue services? If anything it calls for increased services, as this disease isn’t going away in 6-8 weeks. I don’t want to deal with it either but I don’t have that luxury of just ignoring the whole thing. I still cannot do my own grocery shopping and the guy who was helping with that is getting more and more lax, getting 1 item when I ask for 3 of something, 2% milk when I asked for whole milk, fully cooked low-sodium bacon when I asked for the applewood smoked bacon that he got the last time, and running out of things and being SOL because I don’t have things needed to complete a recipe.

I find myself time and time again having to prostrate myself just to have the basic necessities and get through life. I have no family to speak of to take care of these duties, and in order for the social worker with the home health agency to help me apply for longer-term help my doctor needs to get me recertified with them. I really need a personal assistant and in order to get the Independent Care Waiver through Medicaid so I can get one he needs to send his doctor’s notes to Shepherd Spinal Center so I can get the pressure mapping evaluation for a wheelchair that will support my whole body properly. The paperwork for the Independent Care waiver asks for the wheelchair specs (in addition to other help I need) and it has to be specific, but Shepherd can’t schedule me until he sends the doctor’s notes.

In addition, the Modified Barium Swallow Test he ordered in December must be updated because the December prescription is too old. I have asked several times yet he has not done that. I told him that it’s becoming too much to have to give these constant reminders and that I need him to take some initiative and go to bat for me as my GP.

What the hell have I done to deserve this? I’m trying not to have any more medical neglect and make things come out better for the second half of my life but nothing I say seems to make a difference. No amount of self-advocacy does any good anymore. It’s bad enough not to have any control over the physical processes in my body, but then to have no control over everything else is just too demeaning for words.

It seems that these doctors see me as a non-entity and my voice is of no consequence in anything that happens in my care. They just do whatever the hell they want whether I like it or not and I’m not supposed to have any say in the matter. Well, fuck that shit! I’m a grown-ass woman and it’s my decision what is done with my body and not! They are only consultants (I like that term better than doctor and I think Australia and the UK has that about right). Who died and made them king!??? These doctors are supposed to be working for me, not the other way around. I’m getting really fed up!

I asked my GP what exactly happened that one minute he was ready to treat my Dysautonomia with the continuous Saline infusion and now he’s not and I asked if anyone at Emory had scared him out of it and if so I wanted to know whom.

If I find out Dr. M. and/or his buddies have anything to do with this I will be a ball of fire and will not rest until justice is done. I don’t need this right now as I’m trying to get to the bottom of my underlying condition and get help for it.

Just like I said to Dr. H., if a patient is suffering then treat it! It’s as simple as that. There is no excuse to sit there and allow someone to suffer when there is something that can be done to alleviate it and it’s relatively safe.

I found that this mode of treatment works for me so I should have access to it if that’s what I choose. I’m well aware that it won’t cure it, but if it will give me more energy, help my bowels move more regularly, improve my appetite and reduce GI problems, make me less thirsty all the time, stabilize my blood pressure, and make me feel faint less often then it’s worth it to me! He has given me not one good reason why he should not.

The port can be put in at Emory’s outpatient center, and home healthcare can do the infusions with their nurses, so frankly what’s the problem??? It’s not like I’m asking for a breast augmentation, this is something medically necessary so I can have some quality of life and it may even prevent an emergency down the road!

He has not come up with a better idea and unless and until he is willing to go out of his way to do the amount of reading and researching I do each day to help come up with something better then as far as I’m concerned he just needs to defer to me.

Besides, I always see the trajectory of things. It’s one of those special perceptual talents I have. At this rate I will probably end up back in the hospital. That is not the preferred way to do this. This method is supposed to be proactive, but left untreated, persistent dysautonomia can be dangerous and cause all sorts of complications. With the blood pressure readings they documented at Piedmont it would be medically irresponsible not to treat it at this point. Maybe in the past it wouldn’t have been as crucial, but now that we have that information from my hospitalization records (and I assume it’s been entered into the electronic records system at Emory) it is really indisputable.

If Dr. V’s hypothesis is right about this whole thing being caused by my Sarcoidosis then I will most likely be considering other treatments that are given by IV such as antibiotics or IVIG, and having that central line will take alot of the demand off my stomach and GI tract in addition to being useful for the Saline treatment. I’m taking about enough pills by mouth right now. If I need to switch from Tizanidine to Baclofen for my spasticity that is the quickest delivery method there is to have it work immediately. They can draw blood from it and do a number of things that will make life easier for me.

If it’s not my Sarcoidosis that is the underlying condition differentials could be one of several Atypical Parkinsonian Disorders such as Multiple System Atrophy (MSA) or Corticobasal Disease (CBD). It was uncanny how many of the symptoms I have that fit the description of either. It was also interesting that the neurologist who gave the lecture in the Youtube video said that they have some symptoms in common with ALS. If I have one of those then it makes perfect sense as to why one might think it was ALS initially. Apparently these other two are even less publicized so they can often go longer than ALS to be detected and diagnosed. These can cause Dystonia, Dysautonomia, and Myoclonus.

Today I was in such agony I could hardly stand being conscious. It was one of those days one would have to die to feel better (and I’m sure those of you reading who have chronic illnesses know how that is).

My face and body were hurting really badly (that same “feel the burn” feeling I had back in August along with inflammation), I had alot of nasal congestion, the roof of my mouth ached, I was nauseated and had colon spasticity. I had to take Tizanidine and my Tramadol and Ibuprofen and sleep it off before it finally let up. I also had more fasciculations in my big toe on the right foot that lasted quite awhile after my nap.

It’s Wednesday and still no call from Radiology to schedule the Gallium Scan. I called and left a message for the nurse to call me and let me know what’s going on and when I can get this done. I hope Dr. V. didn’t go on maternity leave and forget about it.

Yesterday I got stuck lying on my back and couldn’t turn myself for at least 10 minutes and nearly had another fall when I finally managed to roll my bottom half off the side of my bed. This happened alot in the Summer and Fall and I thought it had stopped but looks like it was just taking a temporary break.

I’ve also noticed my jaw dislocating, and cracking in my jaw and in my cervical spine over the past week or so. That needs to be looked into. I asked him to order an MRI of the jaw and sent him exact specs for how that order should be written to get the best view of it. We’ll see what he does with that. I also asked him to get a copy of the first imaging that was done 10-12 years ago by the oral surgeon at Emory which showed I had TMJ so that we can compare and see if there has been further degeneration.

If I take the time and energy to go in to see him and come up empty-handed I am going to be pissed! I expect these orders to be done, and I think he should also have reached out to the movement disorder specialist I’m seeing in July to help facilitate and give him some history and try to make this as easy for me as he can so that the experience will be fruitful and so I’ll be treated with respect.

If my GP conveys to the movement disorder specialist that he’s behind me 100% then it is likely that I’ll be treated well and that the specialist himself will put 100% into diagnosing and truly helping me so that I can come home and not have to continue to prove myself ad nauseum as I have had to up until now. That is probably the most tiring thing I deal with on a day-to-day basis and its high time that my condition be given the credence it deserves. I did not ask to be sick nor to be poor and I believe everyone should have access to the care they need for their conditions no matter what their station in life. It’s just a matter of dignity and humanity. At the very least these doctors should take care of these medical problems expeditiously and give me the best quality of life possible under the circumstances of what my limitations are.

Tomorrow I am seeing my liver specialist. My liver enzymes have been elevated chronically now for about 8 or 9 years. I think at this point they need to do more than monitor it. A test result doesn’t keep cropping up like that for that long for no reason. It’s there to tell us something of significance. If it’s not my Hepatitis B reactivated then they need to find out what else it is. Maybe my liver can elucidate some useful clues in solving the other stuff.

I’ve pretty much run out of patience with all the diddling around and delay tactics. I’m quite sure if I had money and top of the line insurance I’d have a diagnosis by now and would have been on treatment for years by now, and maybe I wouldn’t be near as disabled as I am currently. There’s alot of rationing the doctors never tell you goes on which determines how aggressively (or not) they treat a condition.

The poor die silently of medical neglect every day and for the most part it never makes the news. I do not want to become one of those statistics.

That’s Their Story and They’re Sticking To It; Emory Continues to Stonewall

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The cover picture I chose for this post is a sign I keep on my wall as an affirmation, visible from my bed. In the light of all that’s gone on lately I am struggling to hang onto my self-esteem and have periods of self-doubt in which I begin to wonder. You might have noticed that the letters aren’t straight; that they veer up from left to right. (More about the significance of that later).

First, I received a letter from Emory’s Chief Compliance Officer, A.A., stating they refuse to ban the offending doctors from access to my electronic records (she says “for purposes of billing”). I had to laugh at that one, as it seemed the epitome of irony that they should even think about having these morally sick and impaired “professionals” paid by insurance nor by any source for that matter after how badly they mistreated me. Emory is out of its collective mind if they think these people should be in any way rewarded for abuse and neglect! If the hospital wants to stand by these criminals then they can just eat the cost as far as I’m concerned, and I’m actually considering sending each of the 4 doctors a bill of my own for wasting 9 or 10 hours of my time, for the mistreatment (physical and psychological) and failure to render aid, and for the libel that still sits in my chart because of their malice and irresponsibility for which I will have to incur additional costs to seek specialists out of state.

Some patients have started billing doctors who are late just like they do with late patients, so that gave me an idea that I should do the same for how these people compromised my care and are now causing a delay in it because of their actions (not to mention the intentional infliction of emotional distress inflicted by Dr. P. R. M. when he administered his interrogative neuro exam). The guy is clearly a narcissist and scouted me as someone he thought would make an easy victim because he knew I’d been abused as a child through Piedmont’s social history record. Like any predator he saw an opportunity and he took it. He gave a phony (non)apology to the “advocate” to pass on to me, saying “I sincerely apologize that you weren’t satisfied.” Now that’s just gross!!!! Ewww… Why would I be??? He was beating me! Sorry bud, but take that somewhere else. I’m not into that!

What I hadn’t anticipated was just how much of this approach was being adhered to as a “team” by all 4 doctors and just how duplicitous Dr. H was in the organization of my “treatment plan” while in the ER that day and evening. I was not thinking “conspiracy” when I was there, believing that each person was acting separately on their own as individuals, but now after receiving the letters from the “patient advocate” and Dr. H’s manager I now know that’s actually what it was; a conspiracy to discredit me (probably because I was expressing that Emory had moved too slow thus far in getting me to the clinic that could help me, and now I was severely disabled, and I guess they didn’t like dissent). If I’d been the mental case they were trying to paint me as I would have been “paranoid” (in their eyes) and would have picked up on the fact that their approach to me was organized, but to the contrary, I was entirely too trusting. I believed everything Dr. H told me and totally fell for her trick; her phony kindness. I believed she’d prevent anyone from hurting me and the whole time unbeknownst to me she was setting the stage for me to be hurt. Trusting too much (and the wrong people) indicates something else (for which I am arranging an assessment as soon as a particular expert gets on the panel to accept my insurance in about 3 months).

To this day I have a hard time aligning my emotions with my logic when it comes to Dr. H, and that’s scary. The others I can work up a good firm anger at, but her; I just feel profoundly hurt by. What she did was so sneaky that it confused me. Part of me still wants to work it out with her but my logic tells me she’s not a safe person. She hasn’t emailed me again and I guess that’s just as well, although I wish I would have gotten an explanation from her directly (even if she was going to lie) instead of her hiding behind other people like a coward to do her talking for her. She owes me that at the very least.

I realize now that this vulnerability has caused me problems with others I’ve known in the past who were two-faced and in the end totally took advantage of me and tore my heart out. I need to close this gap as soon as possible, but how does one do that and still let the good people in whose kindness is sincere? How does one not become jaded and start questioning everyone’s motives? I naturally tend to take people at face value and I kind of like that about myself, but it has bitten me in the butt a number of times. I sure hope this is something I can do something about and that I’m not forever broken in my ability to tell the difference. Now that all false friends have left and I have a clean slate this is a big thing. I don’t think I can survive another hurt like this. I need to get it right the next time I do trust someone.

Getting back to the topic I brought up earlier about the sign I have on my wall; I am thinking that what I have may be generalized dystonia of some sort and possibly part of a larger syndrome. Last night I watched an interesting speech on Youtube by Dr. Steven Rich, a movement disorder specialist about Atypical Parkinsonian Disorders  and found out that in several of those, people have Dysautonomia. He says that in early stages of Multi-system Atrophy for instance, people can have falling within the first 6 months of symptom onset, difficulty getting up from a sitting position, a stiff gate, and symptoms such as rigidity or spasticity, other upper motor neuron signs, and Dysautonomia. Apparently some people are misdiagnosed as having Parkinson’s disease or not diagnosed at all because brain scans can look normal. They don’t always show findings. Often these conditions are made by clinical diagnosis and somebody who knows what they’re doing can put 2 and 2 together from the group of symptoms a patient has.

I’ve been learning also that Dystonia can be primary or secondary just as Dysautonomia can. I’m finding out that my MRI findings may be alot more significant than doctors who read them knew; that C1 and C2 vertebra misalignment and TMJ problems are often indicative of Dystonia and that I may have had that since I was a child in my neck and then as I got older it progressed to the other areas of my body. I’ve noticed for awhile now that my head is often cocked to one side and the sign on my wall slanting upward corresponds with the way my head is positioned. It’s very difficult for me to write straight. I’m always needing to straighten my shirt collar so it is centered on my shoulders because it tends to slide over to one side because my shoulders are tipped one slightly lower than the other. Also tonight I notice that my whole face is off-kilter; jaw, mouth is crooked, nose, and the way my head attaches to my neck is off.

Face off kilter DSC_0011

My eyes which I had surgery on a number of years ago because they wander outward are now slipping really badly. I definitely don’t look quite right.

another headshot but eyes drifting DSC_0012

This past year my Dysautonomia has been worse than ever before and I’ve had alot more near fainting spells than I’ve ever had, the colon spasticity didn’t start until 2015 but I’ve been chronically constipated for years, and then finally at Piedmont hospital they documented the blood pressure instability. I faxed those records to my GP that I had to obtain from another department, and they were quite erratic.

Something else odd I’ve noticed happening in the past few weeks is that there are times when my feet get purple or blue for no apparent reason. They don’t feel different, just change color, and it often happens when I’m sitting down on the shower bench. Here are some pictures of what it looks like but they were worse than that before I dried off and was able to get my camera. Also the flash makes it not show up as dark as it actually is, but you can see it somewhat.

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Color Zoning on Feet and Right Ankle DSC_0014

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In this picture you can see the left foot still pretty purple all over, even down the big toe before it started going back to a more normal color, but the top of the right one had already changed.

Over the past week I’ve had several episodes of urinary urgency which don’t seem related to a bladder infection but most likely are from Dysautonomia. One of them today came on when I was in the kitchen so fast I almost had an accident, but was barely able to get it to stop by squeezing it back upward with all my might and then strangely I didn’t need to go.

My heart was doing some weird things the other night too, as if it was beating very weakly but I was flooded with adrenaline at the same time.

I now have an appointment with a movement disorder specialist out of state but the doctors in the specialty clinic are highly sought after and so I’m going to have to wait 6 months to get in. They are going to put me on the list in case there’s an earlier cancellation just in case. This guy has written a ton of research papers and is currently funded by NIH to do a study on Kinesiology for atypical movement disorders, so he sounds pretty open-minded.

Home healthcare is about to end its certification period in just a few days (the 29th) and my doctor needs to recertify it soon. I have not heard yet that he’s done it. He needs to have a plan in order for it to be covered and I don’t think he knows exactly how to do that but is supposed to be talking with the Care coordinator about it and how it needs to be written.

I need to get some longer-term services in place like the Independent Care Waiver and an agency that does these kinds of things and more like cooking and grocery shopping, but for the Independent Care Waiver I need to have an evaluation for a better wheelchair so I know what specs to put on the application. Shepherd Center does these evaluations with pressure mapping so that you get things just right for your body. The Hoveround I’m using now is OK for inside the house but I really need one that will recline and has a head and neckrest for when I need to go to the doctor and have to be out a few hours.

So far only one person has contributed to GoFundMe. If you would chip in whatever you can afford I would much appreciate it, and also send your friends and family over to my page. My income is so low I’m not even making ends meet and there are more expenses coming up. In addition to this one trip I’m making in 6 months I most likely will be going to the Mayo Clinic which involves about a 2 week stay and from what I understand you have to stay in a hotel and I don’t think that nor meals are covered.

I’m hoping for some good news about something soon! There are so many barriers to things right now sometimes I start to lose hope for the future.