Two Years Later and Nowhere Closer-Another Doctor Refuses to Bridge The Gap

I haven’t written much here lately about how things have been going as far as getting to Vanderbilt Autonomic Clinic, because I was under the impression that it was just a matter of time and having my current GP fill … Continue reading

Fatigue; Here’s A Great Analogy and Some Examples

ill

 Ken McKim, the husband of a woman with Crohn’s disease likens fatigue to if a healthy person went around chronically sleep deprived (but at least in their case they can sleep extra and improve their situation), whereas with fatigue we can’t.
5 Till 6
He proposes that healthy people do an experiment for one week in which they stay up all night except for 4 hours and the next day do all their normal activities, then when they go to bed set their alarm to go off every hour and stay up for 10 minutes each time they turn it off before going back to sleep.
He says that by the end of such an experiment one should have more empathy as to what those of us with fatigue go through. It occurred to me that this would be a good experiment for all medical students because even with all their cramming for exams they probably still don’t get the full effect of what it’s like to have a chronic illness.
Doctor let down
I woke up this morning and took a shower, and felt alert just long enough to eat some breakfast, but as soon as that was over my energy drained away again. I again felt exhausted and have been finding it hard not to drift off to sleep without warning in the middle of swhatever I’m doing. I go from being exhausted but awake to suddenly finding that I’ve drifted off (only after I’ve done so and wake up).
Atlas Statue
Back when I was seeing the sleep medicine specialist at Emory I was supposed to have a daytime sleep study to rule out Narcolepsy but in order to do that you had to sleep 6 hours first and at the time I couldn’t do it because of the myoclonus keeping me from falling asleep and then once I did, people were tinkering with equipment in my room waking me up because of the noise and light coming in the door.
Looking up at doctors after fainting
Nevertheless I can make a pretty educated guess that the fatigue caused by my chronic illness has alot to do with these sleep cycle abnormalities, particularly the central nervous system problems I have which affect the autonomic nervous system. In order for the brain to function correctly it first must have enough energy. The nighttime sleep studies I had did yield some important information in that my sleep/wake cycle is royally messed up showing Delta waves at the beginning (even before falling asleep) when they are only supposed to be showing up in the last sleep stage.
brain waves on screen
This was also documented in just about every EEG I’ve ever had since second grade when I was first brought to a neurologist because of near fainting spells. Some research has proposed that there may be a mitochondrial component to the severe fatigue suffered by people with chronic illnesses.
in bed
PubMed has numerous papers that have been published on the subject and in recent years there have been more and more scientists interested in this angle. The papers shown under the search Mitochondrial Component to Fatigue will bring up papers you can look through and print out those you feel pertinent to give to your doctor. It is not uncommon for doctors to try to dismiss research as being from “junk science journals” etc., but the papers linked in PubMed are considered fully legitimate professional medical journal articles from all over the world.
GQ Style Doctor
Don’t accept a doctor’s sweeping generalization that because studies were published in foreign journals outside the United States (or outside your country if you live elsewhere) that they are not legitimate sources. There are many fine and well designed and documented studies that come out of places like the Netherlands, Australia, and even Asian countries or India. You’d be surprised where some of the most cutting edge research comes from.
Never Settle
Also, don’t be afraid to write some of the investigators listed on these research teams. They often provide an email address in order to give the public an oppourtunity to communicate with them and ask questions. By doing so you just might find out about important studies that are accepting participants that would benefit people with your condition and these scientists might even have suggestions that your doctor can try to treat your condition more effectively right now!

If your doctor is offended by this and unwilling to discuss these new approaches with you, chances are you have the wrong doctor.

Dishonest Doctor
Remember that if you have severe fatigue you only have so much energy to work with in a day and a truly good doctor will understand this and respect and appreciate the fact that you put in the time to take an active role in your healthcare and bring him this written material. If he/she truly has your best interest at heart he/she will then genuinely look into these options for diagnosis and/or treatment and will take the legwork from there.
Blindfolded-159623
Way too often we as patients end up doing their jobs for them because of their stubborness and inflated ego, because they have too much false pride to admit when they need to consult professionals who know more than they do.
Doctors in rounds
This is when the relationship becomes more about their needs than yours and if after trying to present them with this information they reject it out of hand more than a few times, it is likely that they ultimately won’t give you the care you need and deserve.

It should never be OK with a doctor to allow you to suffer any more than absolutely necessary and if there are still options left not to use them.

I had to learn that after I nearly wore myself out because I found myself working harder than my GP at Emory. At first when things weren’t getting completed and questions weren’t answered I thought maybe it just slipped his mind because of his patient load or the time got away from him, but I am very conscienscous about following up and at some point had to face the fact that my doctor was not the benevolent and altruistic person I thought he was and that chances are no amount of education was going to change that.

Any doctor that takes patient reports out of the equation might as well just turn in his medical license right now because he’s no longer acting in the patient’s best interest, he is treating his patient as an inanimate object.

For a chronically ill highly educated patient (which most of us become after so many years) it is imperative to have a doctor who bottom line accepts that this is the patients’ body and that with their being a competent adult over the age of 18 only the patient has the right to make the ultimate decision in treatment. A doctor can only advise based on his training. He cannot be inside your body to prove what your body is experiencing and how it affects you, nor how much suffering you can stand. Objective testing is only a tool and physicians have to realize that it can’t always detect everything beyond a shadow of a doubt. It has its limitations, and the clinical presentation is equally, if not more important in assessing what’s going on medically.
Doctor giving bad news
Prolonged fatigue is one of those symptoms that science does not have the knowledge to fully quantify, nevertheless it is very real and cannot be dismissed as psychological, or irrelevant information. To do so is very dangerous, because fatigue is a very good indicator that something is in fact seriously wrong in the body.
Healthy patients do not have this level of fatigue, and the distinction between fatigue and depression, for instance, is that patients with fatigue want to do things, they wish they could, but just don’t have the stamina. People who are depressed generally lose interest in hobbies and things they liked to do previously.
Creating
I can attest to this distinction, as I have interests that have continued throughout my illness and I remain enthusiastic and interested in them. It bothers me when I can only watch them in videos and not partcipate because of my level of illness.  I am fatigued yet I’m anything but apathetic. I love life and look at each day as an adventure!
Inspired Woman
An example is this; I absolutely love snakes and have two Ball Pythons. Many of the people I’m involved with online surrounding this interest travel to reptile shows where they can pick out snakes and supplies and caging for them in-person and meet up. I would really love to do that, but seeing as there are only two a year a distance away outside Atlanta, (in Cobb County) I have problems getting there with handicap transportation, and it tacks at least 2 more hours onto my day including a transfer to another county service if I were to book the trip. (Not to mention it costs double fare).
precariously holding boxes
Then if I were to stay a decent number of hours to be able to see everything, I would be sicker by the time I returned home. If I went in somebody’s car I could leave when I became too exhausted, but on public transit you can’t do that. (A time is prearranged to return and if you need to leave earlier they will not accommodate you no matter how ill you are).
Navigation
I would love to go to the big reptile show at Tinley Park (in Illinois) but not only am I not able to afford the travel and hotel for several days, the travel itself would be too taxing for me right now.
woman-blowing-nose
Another example; I really love art and have been trying to come up with other forms of art I can make that don’t require so much fine motor dexterity and although I’ve found some that are easier for my hands when I actually began doing these projects I found them to be incredibly exhausting and take me much longer than they should. I actually sweat with the effort it requires, and either really pay for it in the several days that follow or have to stop before I get it done. This is very frustrating because my motivation is still there but I can’t complete the task or at the times I do I do it with great negative consequences.
Shoveling coins
My best guess in treating fatigue would be to use compounds that directly address a mitochondrial disconnect, so if any of you reading this find new developments in this area of science please feel free to post them here in the comments, as it might really help others suffering with the same barriers. Please post sources if you can.
Barrier
Somehow the patient community must get these ideas across to doctors in clinical practice so that rather than disengaging from us when our illness is prolonged they look at it as something worth working on. Even if a cure is not close by, there can be a sense of accomplishment for both patient and doctor by adopting an investigative approach and trying things even if just based on theory.
Interview
Sooner or later improvement will likely happen with that type of perseverence. That is better than doing nothing, regarding the patient as hopeless and a “treatment failure”, and just tuning them out. That should never be the response to a complicated case. Just like pain, the continuing fatigue a patient experiences is a signal from the body that the doctor’s job is not complete.

UK Man Exposes Pattern of Patient Blacklisting and “Violent Patients Scheme” to Divert Patients Who Disagree with their GPs

  Often medical blacklisting is done in more insideous ways and rarely in the literal sense of the word do you find it as a physical list. Blacklisting deniers commonly use this as a reason to doubt that such things … Continue reading

Child in Canada With Neuroblastoma Medically Blacklisted for Choosing Medical Cannabis

Growing Charlott's web marijuana

For my second post for #Blogmas 2017 I came across a story that every mother and father should read! A mother, Mandy Drew in Alberta Canada was told her daughter, Cheyenne was hopelessly ill and that she should “take her home and create memories.” Doctors threw up their hands and gave up on the little girl after she continued to worsen in traditional chemotherapy. Tumors were wrapped around vital parts inside her body, making the situation that much more complicated.

Her mother, faced with no options from her daughters treating professionals considered medical cannabis given the fact that at this point there was really nothing to lose. If she’d done nothing death was a 100% certainty! Although a little skeptical at the outset, Cheyenne’s mother decided to give it a try, but she had no idea that her daughter would be medically blacklisted nor the level of hostility she would receive from the medical establishment. One doctor who during a phone call asked Mandy what she was doing in her alternative treatment literally hung up on her when the mother told her she was treating her with cannabis oil.

Despite the rejection and anger directed at her for this treatment choice, the Alberta mother reported that her daughter began responding with just 1 gram per day. She began to notice her apetite return, her mobility improve, and eventually it was discovered that her tumors were calcifying (a sign of apoptosis, the scheduled death of the cancer cells)! Now at age 4 and having already beaten the odds, Cheyenne functions like any other 4 year old, is symptom-free, and doesn’t even have any awareness of her diagnosis.

Her mother appeared on this radio show which was posted to Youtube on January 24, 2007 to speak about her experience. The host also gives some very interesting information from research suggesting that many illnesses may be caused by a deficiency in the body’s own cannabinoid system. Apparently there is a lab in the US offering a test to see whether your illness(es) are due to this deficiency or dysregulation. Watch the video for yourself to hear this woman and her daughter’s amazing story!

Yes, medical blacklisting happens to children too, even dying children, and it’s a shame that doctors and the corporations they work for are so arrogant that they would turn their back on someone like this when they have nothing better to offer. Corporate healthcare has in effect taken the patient out of the equation, when in fact the patient (or parent when the patient is a minor) should have the last word when it comes to treatment decisions, and more often than not, the patient is correct about what is likely to work.

marijuana_leaf_800x600

Whatever a doctors opinion on cannabis or any other treatment for that matter, he or she should keep an open mind and support the patient’s treatment decision. Most patients who have decided on a particular treatment they want to pursue do so after alot of careful reading, research, and thought. Therefore they should not be treated as crackpots or loose cannons when approaching their doctors.

These patients are already suffering and it only increases their suffering for a doctor to work at cross-purposes with a patient that he has stopped or refused to start treatment on. It is not only heartless, but unethical for a patient’s treating professionals to ostracise a patient for doing what they have to do to save their life or the life of a relative who is in their charge. It may be OK with a doctor to throw in the towel, but it shouldn’t be, especially when there are other things to try which he/she either have not looked into or flatly refuses to consider.

doctor-comforting-patient

A doctor or a healthcare system should never be a gate-keeper between a patient and the possibility of improvement, preservation of or quality-of-life. To do so is in clear violation of the Hippocratic Oath. Healthcare professionals must keep in mind at all times that they are in this field to help others. What they do in the course of any given day should not be about their own needs and biases, but should be undertaken for the sole benefit of the patient. Sometimes that means being willing to put your own opinions aside and giving the patient the means to reach further without impedence.

Adventure

The practice of medicine should be a selfless act, not one whose primary motivation is to save face. In this day and age physicians are not expected to know everything, (and get a clue guys, the cat’s out of the bag! Patients are well aware that there is no way that a doctor seeing patients all day long back to back has the time to read up on all the latest research. Many patients now know how to read medical journal articles and have to become experts in their own conditions in order to ensure they get the best treatment available, so it’s high time that was acknowledged.

Corporate- blank business card

 And medical professionals, The crackpot defense no longer holds water anymore. Instead of shutting patients out and shutting them down when they engage you in discussion about a certain treatment, or diagnostic possibility, instead of writing backhanded and snarky comments in a chart, why not treat them like the respected partner that they are and approach this undertaking as a challenge to be solved rather than a threat to your authority.

Closeup of a business man with his hands behind his back and fin

It’s not personal. It’s not about you. It’s about their best health, and their life.

 

Treading Water; Fighting to Retain Function

Medicaid’s website disaster put many things behind schedule and just as I had feared one of them was my trip to Vanderbilt. Although my current GP did fill out the necessary paperwork this time it was Medicaid that dropped the … Continue reading

Emory Healthcare Denies Kidney Transplant to 2 Year Old Based on Father’s Parole Violation

The phone rang this evening waking me from a sound sleep. It was a friend from one of my chronic illness groups on the other end. “You’ve got to hear this!”, a sense of urgency in her voice on the other end. “I thought you would want to know that Emory has done it again. This time they’re denying a 2 year old boy a kidney transplant!” She related to me the story of a family who was being blatantly discriminated against simply because the boy’s father, Anthony Dickerson, the potential donar and a match, had been jailed for a parole violation.

Initially it appeared that they were willing to work with the family and that the only stipulation holding up the life-saving surgery was that the child’s father needed to come in to have some preliminary pre-op bloodwork done on September 29th, but as the man was still in jail and could not be released by the date Emory had requested he come in, by the time he was released it seemed suddenly all bets were off.

What had started out as a relatively simple hurdle to overcome now became a growing list of demands and scrutiny made by the Emory Living Donor Transplant team; now requiring Mr. Dickerson to supply evidence of compliance with his parole officer for 3 months before his son would be considered again. The the only option now given the family  was the regular transplant list. We all know that many have died without expedited transplant offered by such hospital teams, and for a young child who was born premature with malfunctioning kidneys such a wait could very likely result in his early death.

Although none of us witnessed what went on in that meeting behind closed doors, it is more likely that Emory’s top officials such as its Chief Medical Officer, whose letter to me denying me care at a crucial time; copy uploaded in a previous post, were the real ones behind these new obstacles placed in the family’s path.  Emory keeps its doctors on a short leash, especially where it concerns delicate matters that might garner bad publicity for the biggest healthcare system in Georgia. There is little doubt that risk management and their legal department were consulted regarding the ramifications this situation might have for Emory, possible liability and/or possible negative impact on its public image. For all the cases that go public there are probably many more that are routinely brushed under the rug, patients too exhausted and demoralized to fight for their rights.

One might ask “Can’t they just go to another hospital for the transplant”? but in this state it’s not as simple as one would assume. Patients that are outcast from Emory’s system find themselves in an ongoing awkward situation in approaching other local doctors and hospitals for the care they need, as although there are facilities not directly owned or affiliated with Emory, there is almost always a soft connection somewhere; either that doctor or hospital utilizes Emory’s medical equipment, labs, certain clinics, or they have a “one-hand-washes-the-other” working relationship in which they give mutual referrals. This is even true with their direct competitors to some extent. Therefore this child’s father would likely face the same scrutiny at these other local facilities as at Emory, and there is no telling what has been written in the records regarding the boy’s father’s criminal record and the requirements placed on him for his son to receive the transplant any time in the future. De’Aja Asbury has created an online petition similar to the one that was created for me. The petition can be accessed at https://www.change.org/p/emory-hospital-approve-life-saving-kidney-transplant-for-2-year-old-boy-before-it-s-too-late

A local news team has covered the story. See this footage below;

At this point the family’s best chance for this child’s survival is to try to get a compassionate release for the child’s father so that they can go to an impartial hospital for the transplant, as soon as possible. They will most likely have to approach officials on the federal level in order to have a fair chance of having their request accepted. Godspeed to this child in getting the surgery he needs.

 

Diagnosis is a Winding Road; Finally Getting Somewhere!

Just like my refrigerator which has finally gone caput after intermittantly working and not, my body has persisted in giving signals which cannot be overlooked forever. Finally, finally there has been a break in the case! I received a call … Continue reading

One Year Later Emory’s Poisoned Records Still Block Access To Care

The holidays have come and gone with a whimper, it’s now 2017, and my medical care’s still stalled a year after the abuse incident in Emory’s ER, and a year and a half since I first reported the new neurological … Continue reading

GA Medical Board Fails To Take Disciplinary Action Against Doctors Involved in Abuse and Corporate Cover-up

It was no big surprise when I received the long, white envelope with the Georgia Composite Medical Board logo on it that the outcome was a bust. Georgia’s track record for disciplining doctors for infractions is especially bad compared to … Continue reading

In The Aftermath of Emory’s Wreakage; Still Sick and Essentially Untreated. What Now?

 

A photo by Matthew Wiebe. unsplash.com/photos/U5rMrSI7Pn4

Despite that my son’s surgery and his doctors’ dedication to providing him the best care giving me some hope that there are doctors out there who are kind, ethical, and want to go the extra mile for you, there was still one pesky problem that wouldn’t resolve itself spontaneously; that of the tainted medical records from Emory.

Although I’d tried to put it out of my mind, the very real danger that the libel contained in these records may continue to do damage to my reputation outside the offending system and thus prevent my receiving care soon enough to prevent dire consequences was and is a very real danger.

As I sat across from Dr. P. the new GP, a woman of East Indian descent (most likely second generation) who was young enough to be my daughter I fought through the horrible flu-like aching in my muscles, weakness, and feverishness to engage her on the topic of my referral to Vanderbilt after having left numerous messages with the office to obtain the current status of the process and to try to find out if, and when she’d fill out the necessary paperwork. I’d recently been advised from one of the receptionists on the phone to obtain 3 release of information forms; one addressed to Emory for her to receive, one for Vanderbilt, and another for something related to Piedmont’s records.

The disjointed and partial communication via several different office staff when I’d called in over the past few weeks was hard to decipher and some was contradictory, merely stating that as far as they understood I didn’t need a referral and that I could refer myself. Now after given my latest instructions for these 3 seperate release forms I wasn’t entirely sure which records they needed released and what the doctor would think, and then do after she read what was inside. I had decided I didn’t want to do anything hasty and wanted to bring a copy of my own and discuss with her what she thought would be relevant and what not necessary before releasing such bombshells into Piedmont’s system, nor to the out of town specialists. While the poisoned pills contained are complete lies and have no basis in truth the infectious and alarming nature of such coded language passed on from doctor to doctor can and does put my future health and even my life at risk each time a new doctor might read such derrogatory comments written under the guise of “medical opinion”.

As I sat in my wheelchair facing this new doctor I wondered why now it was suddenly so imperative to her that she have these records which contained so little of clinical use and yet had so much potential to destroy my future. What was once a mere suggestion was now presented to me as an ultimatum, and I don’t take well to ultimatums. If this was her idea of forming a good solid doctor/patient relationship and inspiring trust she had a very strange way of showing it.

A feeling of extreme aversion came over me and with it an anger at myself for being so weak as to be at all pressured by it. I really wanted to just say “No way! Forget it! You can do the tests that have been done all over again but you’re not using these records!” but then what if this time she really was going to follow through? It was a total crap-shoot as to whether this would get me to where I needed to go or whether this throw of the dice was going to lose me the farm. It was a no-win situation, and in my estimation, a bad risk either way.

rolling-the-dice

Now, even more ill than I was a few weeks ago I weighed my options and neither looked good. None of the other GPs I’d interviewed who seemed at all compatible were anywhere near writing the referral and one had wanted me to find yet another local neurologist and for him/her to be the one, tacking on God-knows-how-much more delay time onto my diagnostic process (and thus to my treatment).

Dr. P. waved the form from side to side in front of her. “You know” she prefaced, preparing for a fight with a rather aggressive offensive maneuver, “I don’t have to fill out this form.” Then testing the water further, “I could have said…Ya know what? No, I’m not filling this out…”

angry-female-doctor

“Oh yeah?” I thought internally? “Well guess what, miss smarty-pants…then what’s my incentive to stay here one moment longer?”, the words flooding my mind so close to the tongue I could taste them. But the lack of any real incentive for me was exactly her game plan and it was more stick than carrot. Behavioral conditioning 101; that may gain compliance from the patient in the short-term but at much greater cost than benefit to the relationship as a whole.  In some respects her approach was Machiavellian, yet Napoleonic in its delivery. “

…but I’m doing it because I care”, she finished. “That should show you something. You need to trust me” she pressed on. Somehow, actually it had just the opposite effect on me. The way I received her statement was more like the feeling one has when a person who has offended you apologizes and then immediately nullifies it with a narcissistic self-justification and the suggestion that it was you who made them do whatever wrong they’d done to you in the first place. At that moment I wasn’t sure which repulsed me more; her backhanded self-proclamation of benevolence, or my withering attempt to stand my ground.

Intellectually I knew that while not required by law, this was no extravegant favor she was extending outside her job description, but instead what any good GP should do for a patient (if it matters to her to deliver good care to her patients). Referrals and the paperwork that come with them are part and parcel of the routine work of a primary care physician being that they are charged with coordinating care across the various specialties that their patients need linkage to. However, her sense of her own power in this particular instance seemed to embolden her and at the same time shake my own self-confidence. I was back in that floundering zone again, the same one I’d been in the first time I’d met with Dr. V., and on that awful day in December when I was reduced to pleading for help at Emory’s ER, overcome by the uneasy feeling that I wasn’t “in Kansas anymore” but instead in an unfamiliar and quite scary place the parameters, and unwritten rules of which were near impossible to read nor comprehend. This is a place I don’t like, a brain-bending cause and effect that seems to make me lose all sense of time and space and send me down some weird rabbit hole. I grappled to regain my proprioception and perspective, losing my train of thought in my fluster to communicate.

your-word-is-your-bond

handshake

Had it been true compromise I could have lived with that but it wasn’t that at all. Had it come from a place of partnership, strength and dignity then it would had been compromise in the true sense, but this…this was not free choice but something else entirely. I felt disgusting and at the same time manipulated. As bad as it was that signing a release of the Emory records could ultimately mean curtains for me if it closed doors crucial to my survival, even worse than that was how it made me feel about myself. I knew it was far from an even trade but this inner caving and shutting down process just seemed automatic, almost robotic.

this-is-not-about-me

I know what Bernie Sanders would have done. He would have stood firm on his position no matter his opposition. Suddenly I felt like a complete wuss and then hated myself for it just as quickly. What does one do in such a tough position? I really don’t know. Maybe there’s no easy answer. It was another one of those “Which do you want to keep? Your arm or your leg?” dilemmas, or rather “your life? or your reputation?” Without your life you cannot have a reputation, but without a reputation life isn’t worth living. Furthermore it could end up worse than a trade-off. I might lose both in the end. It seemed I knew what I really wanted to do but felt unable to do it, and no amount of logically thinking it through would help.

I’m trying to put a period at the end of these awful, incorrect, unethical, and libelous medical records but now I’m expected to drag them along from doctor to doctor. How could that possibly help anything?

A photo by Tom Butler. unsplash.com/photos/YOQDokJipFg

I leaned forward in my chair, put my head in my hands and let out a pained grimace and groan, made one more attempt to make clear to her that such action might really cook my goose in the hands of the wrong doctor(s), and then the rest of my resolve deflated like a spent balloon. She claimed that her license was on the line if she were to for instance include Dr. Vs last doctors’ notes, and not her first (probably more hyperbole than truth), stating that if she included any of Dr. Vs neurological record she had to include it all. I found her reasoning very strange and illogical. No doctor I’ve ever met thought like that, not even Dr. H. at his worst. It more closely resembled Dr. Bs new locked down approach than any of the other doctors, but I’m not sure even he would have included material in a referral or entered it into Emory’s record if he thought in his heart of hearts that it might do more harm than good.

Therein lies the crux of the matter; to do no harm. The hippocratic oath was relevent when it was written and still is today. Although its wording has changed over the years the spirit of the message is very clear and unmistakable. 

A doctor must not do anything he or she understands will hurt their patient. PERIOD!

Like I’d told Dr. Ps nurse, releasing libelous material written by those who are essentially your enemies is tantamount to volunteering a past supervisor as a reference at a job interview who has nothing good to say about you. “Would you do that?” I’d asked her, to which she had to in all honesty say “no”.  

“Well, there you go!” I replied. “It’s the same principle!” The nurse looked back at me wide-eyed and dumbfounded knowing I had a very good point.

“Don’t you realize that every time I have to show these records to a new doctor I’m re-traumatized? Do you realize the gravity of the risk involved, and how upsetting that is? This is not an irrational fear, but very real” I told Dr. P.

“Yes, I know” the doctor responded, “There is the doctor/patient relationship but it comes down to choosing between what’s best for you and what’s best for me and I can’t do something that could place my license in jeapardy”she said. Although I’m sure her assertion that her license was at stake was a gross exaggeration, therein lay the ugly truth with all lame excuses stripped away; defensive medicine!

A photo by Jeff Sheldon. unsplash.com/photos/o6Y9E-DdG6w

Realistically I knew that at least here in the state of Georgia nobody and I mean nobody is out to take doctors’ medical licenses (even in those instances in which they really should be revoked) so I know that state regulators are too busy to care about what parts of a patients’ medical record doctors are pulling to send to specialists and whether or not a doctor charts a patients’ symptoms. I wasn’t suggesting she break any laws but if in fact there is any truth at all to what she’s saying regarding this prohibition it is probably such small stuff that nobody would bat an eyelash, much less raise a major issue over it.

“My role is to look through and determine what’s relevant and what isn’t, and your role is to tell me your symptoms” said Dr. P. This, just after she’d told me that she thought it would be illegal for her to chart my symptoms since she could not verify them with hard proof, so then wouldn’t it be a waste of time for me to tell her symptoms if they hold no value in the chart? I went on to say that in many respects Dysautonomia is a clinical diagnosis anyhow, “and besides”, I replied, “how do you really prove near syncope and many of the other symptoms?” (short of completely passing out cold in her office at the appropriate appointment time). It was another impossible expectation, a bar that could never be met in the real world.

The look on her face told me that I was making valid points she could not dispute.

“It can take 8 years for a patient to obtain an official Dysautonomia diagnosis, precisely because these kinds of constraints make it next to impossible to diagnose anyone and everything’s so strict nobody wants to be the one to call it, and here in Georgia they don’t have the facilities for the few specialized tests that do exist, so what are you going to do? They could do a tilt table test but that won’t do much good unless it’s classic POTS (which I don’t think mine is). All you can do really is go on what the patient tells you.”

Dr. P. nodded in agreement. “I know.”

“I’m just so exhausted, I’ve been suffering alone with this already for at least 7 months, and then to add insult to injury it’s embarrassing to feel as though I owe each new doctor an explanation because of those people who took it upon themselves to sabotage my chart!”

“You don’t owe me an explanation. I believe you” she slipped in almost as an aside in the midst of our fast-moving conversation, her intonation lacking quite enough passion to be fully credible. I think I would have breathed a sigh of relief had I been convinced she meant it, but her painstaking caution throughout the office visit, and hesitancy to fill out the form until now was what gave me pause. The ER doctor in December told me that too, and then I found out she was only telling me those things to get some sort of compliance out of me; sort of a version of “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”.

last-time-i-trusted-you

I kept looking for signs of the real reassurance I needed from Dr. P. yet it seemed that just when the conversation veered toward a meeting of the minds it whipped away like a boomerang and I was once again grappling to obtain some semblance of unity that conveyed that we were truly in this together in amongst all this chaos on top of my muscles aching unbearably, the severe fatigue, the weakness, the low-grade temp doing a slow and steady burn that was documented that day by the nurse, the histamine reaction that was assaulting my sinuses, its accompanying systemic inflamatory response, and the awareness all the while that I was being expected to throw myself onto a live grenade; to essentially kill myself in order to save myself. Odd dichotomy there!

justice-meme

She was pushing the trust thing pretty hard, approaching it more like a command than an invitation and it was precisely that method which made trust not possible. I told her that I couldn’t just snap my fingers and suddenly trust her, especially when she is insisting I do something I feel strongly is detrimental to me and could seal my fate and that after what has happened to me it will be a long time before I can trust any doctor. Trust cannot be a command nor an obligation I owe her as payment for something she does on my behalf in the course of performing her job. I’m a long way from convinced that she truly hears me and respects what I need, and pulling rank on me is not the way to get me to trust her. She has to earn my trust. “It’s a process” she said of the road from here to Vanderbilt. “You just need to have patience.”

“For how long?” I thought. It’s late and I’m not getting any  better overall. Yes my symptoms wax and wan and different systems of the body switch on and off like a flickering lightbulb and alternate, but the truth is that my baseline is worse, and this “process” cannot be open-ended if I’m to have a good or even fair prognosis. I know that and I’m sure any medical professional worth their salt understands the concept of early detection and treatment and its impact on outcome.

can-i-trust-you

When I see things working out in my testing and treatment, that she’s truly behind me 100%,  and when I feel that our words are not merely whizzing past one another’s ears then and only then will I trust her or any other doctor, for that matter. The office visit ended like it did the previous time with my telling her what I needed to be reassured, and her telling me in one form or another she couldn’t give me that, and then her saying “I feel like we’re going round and round.” Well yes, it would feel that way because for the most part I think our priorities and beliefs about our roles are very fundamentally different. The distinction between where she sits and where I sit is that she can walk away from what’s happening in my body…I can’t. I’m the one with the most to lose if things aren’t handled correctly from here on out. I’ve got it all on the line. She doesn’t.

A photo by Milada Vigerova. unsplash.com/photos/kT0tsYZ2YE0

Maybe this is the closest I can get right now to a match from those local doctors available to choose from after my extensive search of the metro-Atlanta area, but I really question whether this is going to work out in the long-term. I hope I won’t come to regret doing what she asked before I left the office that day. I’m still not really OK with it.

trust

I’m now in the process of filling out my section of the Vanderbilt form and in addition will fax her my BP stats from my November 2015 Piedmont hospitalization. Only time will tell what happens next.

A photo by Benjamin Combs. unsplash.com/photos/5L4XAgMSno0

Then the question still remains as to whether the whole thing actually gets submitted once I fax it back to her office and whether I’ll be accepted, and that’s still just the beginning towards coming home with a firm diagnosis.